The Rival/Transcript
(Lord Hater's ship looks at Dominator's ship) Lord Hater: Okay, it's Dominator's ship! What do I say to her? (Hides behind a planet) Lord Hater: "Hey, baby, are you 10,000 tons of molten lava, 'cause you're melting my heart." Oh, yeah, that's good. Okay, here she comes. You're totally cool and awesome. You're awesome, awesome, you're... (Gasps) (Looks at Emperor Awesome's ship) AWESOME?!? (Hides behind a planet) PEEPERS!!! (Runs quickly and zooms out) Peepers: Emperor Awesome? What's he doing here? Lord Hater: That's what I said! Peepers: Okay, stay calm. Lots of people have white-striped space limos. It might not be him. Lord Hater: Oh, you're right, Peepers. It could belong to anyone. Emperor Awesome: Hey, babe, it's me, Emperor Awesome! Can I come in? (Freeze-frame and title card appears, "The Rival") (Lord Dominator's ship opens and lets in Emperor Awesome's ship) Lord Hater And Peepers: AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!! (Cut to Lord Hater's bed, and Lord Hater is laying down on bed) Lord Hater (Crying): This is the worst thing that ever happened! Peepers: This doesn't make sense! Why would Dominator let Emperor Awesome on her ship? He hasn't been a contender in ages. Unless... (Gasps) He's got some kind of new secret weapon. Lord Hater: What's the point in trying anymore, Peepers? I might as well just spend the rest of my days aimlessly wandering the galaxy, (Mocking) singing songs and helping folks. Lord Hater And Peepers: They'll be unstoppable. Nothing will ever be the same! Peepers: They'll take over the galaxy together! Lord Hater: They're totally gonna date each other! Lord Hater And Peepers: Wait, What? Peepers: Do you think Dominator and Awesome are just dating? Lord Hater: You think Dominator and Awesome are just gonna take over the galaxy together in a totally non-girlfriend-boyfriend way? Lord Hater and Peepers: Well, that's way better! Lord Hater: Oh, too bad, I'm right. Peepers: I hope so, sir. We have to find out the truth. But how? (Lord Hater's ship is looking at Emperor Awesome and Lord Dominator) Peepers: (Hopping fast) What are they saying? Lord Hater: Don't worry. I can totally read lips. Lord Hater (As Lord Dominator): (Sees Lord Dominator) Can you take my rabbit for a walk on Tuesday? Lord Hater (As Emperor Awesome): (Sees Emperor Awesome) No way, bro. His leash is made of beefsteak, and that's not sanitary. I could make him a congressman instead, bro. Lord Hater: Whew! Nothing to worry about. They're only talking about weird stuff that doesn't make any sense. Peepers: (Looks through the telescope) (Gasps) Lord Hater: What? What Is It? (Emperor Awesome is doing a butt shake dance) Lord Hater: NO! Oh, He's so smooth! Well, I can dance, too! (Lord Hater is doing a disco and butt shake dance) Peepers: He's not trying to woo her! He's demonstrating how he destroys planets with his planet-destroying parties. (Lord Hater is doing a side to side dance) Lord Hater: No, he's doing a smooth dance, and Dominator's gonna be super impressed, and totally gonna smooch! Peepers: (Sigh) (Lord Hater sees Emperor Awesome and Lord Dominator, Lord Dominator grabs Emperor Awesome and goes to the left, Lord Hater shrieks and faints) Peepers: (Gasps) Where'd they go? Lord Hater: (Gets up, panicking) PROBABLY TO THE SMOOCHING ROOM! Peepers: The Smooching Room? (Cuts to black to Lord Hater) Lord Hater: I've mapped out her whole ship with a super scientific algorithm based on what I've seen of it so far. Here's her inner sanctum, here's the war room, the arsenal, the smooching room, bedroom, this part is mostly shoes and purses and stuff. The back-up smooching room. Peepers: Sir, I seriously doubt an evil villain has a smooching room, let alone two. Lord Hater: We've got six. (Cuts to a Smooching Room, Lord Hater puckers his lips) Peepers: Sir, we've gotta get a closer look. One of us will have to sneak aboard her... terrifying... ship. (Lord Hater and Peepers frowns) (Cuts to black) Watchdog: Lord Hater, it's an honor to be chosen for this mission. I won't let you down, I swear. (Static, cuts to Peepers) Peepers: All right, soldier, you're looking for a big, scary-- Lord Hater: But beautiful-- Peepers: Lady lava villain. Don't let her see you or you're doomed. Lord Hater: And also a totally lame but thinks he's cool shark guy. Peepers: Yeah, watch out for him, too. If he sees you, you're also doomed. Lord Hater: The bots. Don't forget the bots. Peepers: Right, the bots. Watch out for her army of literally thousands of killer bots. If they catch you, you're super doomed, Got It? Watchdogs: (Nervously) Uh-huh. On second thought... Peepers: Good luck, soldier. (Watchdogs falls from trapdoor on Dominator's Ship screaming) Lord Hater and Peepers: Yes! screams continues BOTH: Yes!! shivering Lord Hater: Uh, Jerry, stop shaking the camera and find the smooching room. It's down the passage on your left. Peepers: There is no smooching room! Look for the war room.See if you can find Awesome's secret weapon. Jerry, bots coming from up ahead. Go back the way you came. screaming No, they're coming from behind you. Rush forward in a blind panic. screaming Zig-zag, zig-zag. Run in a zig-zag pattern. You'll be harder to shoot. Run right at 'em; it'll totally confuse 'em. shrieking Lord Hater: Jerry, get outta there. We didn't send you to spy on the inside of a closet. Peepers: Sh! Listen. Emperor Awesome: I'm tellin' ya, D, you're gonna go crazy for my secret weapon. It's gonna sweep you off your feet. Lord Dominator: I'm interested.Tell me more about this secret weapon. BOTH: This confirms my worst fears! Wait, what? sobbing Jerry, stop crying. - We can't hear anything! continues No! What happened? Come back. Oh, his tears must've shorted out the camera. Peepers: There's only one thing to do, sir. If we wanna know what's going on, we'll have to go see for ourselves. But how? Okay, it looks like a left ahead. Peepers: On my signal, and now. Turn left. I said left, sir. Left! Lord Hater: My left or your left? Peepers: We have the same left! Do you know which way left is? What's that? It must be Awesome's secret weapon. We can't let it reach Dominator. Lord Hater: Gotta play this cool so as not to rouse suspicion. Hello, fellow fist fighter. What a lovely I'm taking this out! music Peepers: Left! - No!! Lord Hater: What? Whoa, whoa, whoa! whinnying Lord Dominator: There you are. Finally. Peepers: Eep. Fist fighter: O mighty lord Dominator, we present to you Emperor Awesome's totally awesome top secret weapon, guaranteed to conquer the galaxy and your heart. Peepers: Oh, no, we were both right.They are taking over the galaxy together. Lord Hater: And they are dating. Peepers, what do we do? Awsome: Hey, babe, heard you were looking for a secret weapon. Well, check out these guns! Whoa! No! That's so cool! Karate. Awsome: Let's get awesome! As you can see, I've set them to stun. Huh? Huh? Lord Dominator: Oh, wow. Oh, and I thought you were all talk. I didn't think you'd actually try anything. I'm impressed. Peepers: Oh, thank grop, you were right. They're just dating. There's no secret weapon. What a relief. Lord Hater: Now they're gonna smooch, get married, and have babies, - and I'm gonna be alone forever. Peepers: Oh, you're not alone, sir. You have me and the Watchdogs. Who needs Dominator anyway? Why, if she can't see that you're really the greatest in the galaxy, then she doesn't deserve you. Lord Hater: Really? You think? Peepers: Of course. Besides, I don't think there's gonna be any smooching. Look. Lord Dominator: You know, when you showed up, I was, like, right, like I'm letting that scrub on my ship. But it was a slow day, no big planets to dominate, nothing but reruns on, so I figured, maybe he does have some kind of secret super weapon. At least it would be entertaining. But you know what? I never guessed what a pathetic waste of time you'd be. Do you really think I'd let you ride my coattails to the top? Ha! Get real, buster! Not even that idiot Hater is as delusional as you. Lord Hater: She knows my name! Peepers: She called you an idiot. Lord Hater: An idiot whose name she knows! Awsome: Don't be like that, babe. C-Come on, what about all the good times? Hey, take it easy, D. Lord Dominator: That's Lord Dominator, if you're nasty. Awsome: Baby, wait!! Lord Dominator: Bots. Lord Hater: She hates Awesome and loves me. Peepers: Sir. Lord Hater: Hater's gonna date her, Hater's gonna date her. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah! Peepers: Sir!! Lord Hater: Yeah! She likes me! music Peepers: Sir, she's cold and heartless. I really don't think she wants to date anyone. music Lord Hater: Cold and heartless? You're just jealous. She's not so bad. laughing Watchdogs: Sir? Come in, sir. You left me on Dominator's ship. shrieking Lord Dominator: Oh, what's wrong with these guys?